GNBNC Interviews President Donald Trump as Markets Crash
GNBNC Co-Anchor Preena Squall: Good afternoon. On this day after President Trump announced his sweeping new global tariffs, with the stock markets crashing, we are honored to have President Trump with us to discuss the situation.
GNBNC Co-Anchor Chip Stone: Yes, Preena, this is indeed a day.
SQUALL: President Trump, why did you impose tariffs on every country in the world?
President Trump: Well, Preena, this country was built on tariffs from the ground up. We need to bring our nation back to that ideal.
SQUALL: Back to 18th Century economics? When they used to plow fields with horses? For the 21st Century?
TRUMP: Preena, I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s the 20th Century. Just look at the year: TWENTY twenty-five.
STONE: He has a point, Preena.
SQUALL: Uh, no, the century doesn’t— never mind, we don’t have time for that. President Trump, the markets are cratering in response to your tariffs. What—
TRUMP: No they’re not Preena.
SQUALL: Sir?
TRUMP: The markets are up. They’re all up.
STONE: He says they’re up Preena. He should know, right? He is the president.
SQUALL: Sir, here is a chart of the markets today…
TRUMP: That’s outdated. Here’s the latest chart…
TRUMP: See? See that black line? The markets are WAY up. They’re at historic highs. That line goes all the way up off the thing.
STONE: Can’t argue with the numbers, Preena.
TRUMP: At this rate, the markets will be at, I don’t know, a quatrillion, before they close today.
SQUALL: Sir, you drew that line with a Sharpie.
TRUMP: No I didn’t.
STONE: He says he didn’t.
SQUALL: Sir, is that black marker on your fingers?
TRUMP: No, it’s licorice.
SQUALL: Licorice?
TRUMP: Yes, I love licorice. Just like Reagan.
SQUALL: Reagan loved jelly beans. And free trade.
TRUMP: I love all black treats. And black treats have done great under my presidency. Better than any other president, better than Lincoln, better than Franklin.
SQUALL: Franklin wasn’t president, sir.
TRUMP: Oh yeah? Ask 3 Year Letterman if Franklin wasn’t president.
SQUALL: Who?
TRUMP: You’re a black treat too, Preena.
SQUALL: ExCUSE me?
STONE: You are kinda hot, Preena…
TRUMP: I’ll bet you’d do great under this preside—
SQUALL: I’m gonna stop you right there, because 1) you are disgusting, and 2) because we’re getting more news in. Economists are now saying that your tariffs may send a good portion of the world’s economy into recession.
TRUMP: Fine.
SQUALL: These are the countries we want to increase our exports to…
TRUMP: Good.
SQUALL: But if they are in a recession… they won’t be in a position to buy our goods…
TRUMP: I don’t follow.
STONE: Yeah, Preena, you’re being all confusing.
SQUALL: OK, we need to wrap this up. President Trump, one more question.
TRUMP: You are a nasty, nasty woman, Preena. A horrible person and obviously a DEI hire. Chip here has done a much better job than you during this interview.
STONE: Thank you Mr. President. I hope the producers are watching ha ha!
SQUALL: Sir, what do you have to say to the millions of Americans who will no longer be able to retire or whose retirement savings are being obliterated as we speak?
TRUMP: I’m gonna run for a third term, and I’ll fix it on day one. And a bunch of people will believe that.
SQUALL: Well, that last sentence was the first correct thing you’ve said the entire interview.
Disclaimer: Preena Squall and Chip Stone are fictional characters from my book Sacrificial Lambs. Trump is actually real, and so is this mess he’s put us in.
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