Dan Snyder to Buy Manchester United: Press Conference Transcript
Man U fans, who have been vocally unhappy about the ownership of the Red Devils by the Glazer family, have gotten their wish. The team has been sold. To Washington Redskins Football Team Commanders owner Dan Snyder. We go now to Old Trafford, where Dan Snyder is taking questions from the media.
Dan Snyder: And so I’m very happy to be here. Who has a question? [pointing] You…
Reporter: Yes, Nigel Smith, Manchester Evening News. Do you have any immediate changes in mind for the team?
Dan Snyder: Oh, yes. For one thing, I’m changing the name. From now on, it will the Manchester United Reds Kins. It’s basically the same thing as Red Devils, but, I don’t know, it just sounds better.
Nigel: “Kin” doesn’t mean “devil.” It means “family.”
Dan Snyder: Same same. I’m also going to sell the naming rights to Old Trafford. I’m in discussions with Poulan Weedeater, the San Diego County Credit Union, and Meghan & Harry Markle. Next!
Reporter: Ælfweard Jones, Daily Mail. What do you say
Dan Snyder: Ælfweard? How do you pronounce that?
Ælfweard: What?
Dan Snyder: Never mind. What is your question?
Ælfweard: How much did you pay the Glazers for the Red Devils?
Dan Snyder: Reds Kins…
Ælfweard: Reds K…. I can’t. How much did you pay?
Dan Snyder: I told the Glazers I’d pay £10 billion and not a ha’penny less.
Ælfweard: But they were only asking £8 billion and that was wildly overpriced!
Dan Snyder: Hey, I didn’t build the Washington Redskins Football Team Commanders into the successful commercial venture it’s become by doing things the way other competent, sane, principled, moral, decent, talented, strategic, not-idiotic businessmen operate and I won’t start now! Just ask Albert Haynesworth. Next!
Reporter: Geoffrey Smith, The Athletic, where you can sign up for just £2 per year for the first year and enjoy all the best writing of Carl Anka, Laurie Whitwell, and Andy Mitten.
Dan Snyder: Do you have a question?
Geoffrey: No. I’m just required to say that anytime more than 2 people are within earshot. Oh, also, Jelly Babies!
Dan Snyder: Uh, OK. Next!
Reporter: Weginald Jones, Daily Mail. I…
Dan Snyder: Reginald?
Weginald: No, Weginald.
Dan Snyder: Weally?
Weginald: Really.
Dan Snyder: OK I guess. What’s your question?
Weginald: Do you plan to take a different approach to the relationship with the Man U fans than the Glazer family did?
Dan Snyder: Absolutely! I’m going to triple ticket prices for Olde San Diego County Credit Union stadium, charge fans to line up for autographs, not allow players to give autographs, replace half the toilets – er, sorry, half the loos - with electronic slot machines, and install unnecessary, portable, vertical support beams in the stadium that obstruct fans’ views and then move them to a different location for every game. Oh, but beers will still be just £3. But I am reducing the beer size to a ha’ha’pint.
Weginald: Don’t you worry that these changes will make the Man U fans extraordinarily unhappy?
Dan Snyder: I don’t understand your question. [whispers to flunky: Is he still speaking English? It is called “English” here, right?] NEXT QUESTION!
Reporter: Phineas Smith, the Financial Times…
Dan Snyder: Hey! I’ve heard of that paper! I think…?
Phineas: The Glazers have left Manchester United with tonnes of debt and a crumbling stadium…
Dan Snyder: You mean Olde San Diego County Credit Union Stadium?
Phineas: I mean Old Traf…. the stadium that Man U plays in. How do you plan to address those issues?
Dan Snyder: Oh, that’s easy! I’m moving the team.
Entire press corps: WHAT??
Dan Snyder: Definitely! That’s how we do it in America. And I kind of think of myself as the Ted Lasso of Soccer Team Owners, bringing American practices to the game you incorrectly call football. I’m going to start a bidding war between cities to build a new stadium with public funds, and whichever town wins, that’s where Manchester United is going. Look, I don’t know how you build stadiums here in communist England, but in America we extort funding from desperate cities to build our stadiums, then under-deliver on our promises of economic development, then pull up stakes six years later to extort a different desperate city.
Phineas: You can’t be serious.
Dan Snyder: I am! And don’t call me Shirley! Right now I’m in discussions with Bristol…
Phineas: Bristol has just denied that on Twitter…
Dan Snyder: Cambridge…
Phineas: Same.
Dan Snyder: Peterboroughshire…
Phineas: That’s not a place.
Dan Snyder: Colchesterborough-by-the-Sea…
Phineas: Again…
Dan Snyder: And Indianapolis.
Phineas: In the States??
Dan Snyder: Of course! You don’t think I’d live here do you? It’s all weird and different and you don’t speak… er… wait, which language do you speak? Next!
Flunky: LAST QUESTION!
Reporter: Trent Crimm, The Independent. As owner of the Washington Commanders…
Dan Snyder: You mean the Washington Redskins Football Team Commanders.
Crimm: What? Whatever… as the owner of that team, you were accused of running two sets of books*, defrauding fans* and the NFL*, hiring private eyes* to gather dirt on other team owners*, selling 9/11-themed merchandise for a profit*, reselling peanuts from a defunct airline to fans*, coercing cheerleaders to pose topless for internal team videos* and escort business partners*, fostering a toxic work environment of sexual harassment* and committing sexual assault yourself*, and other offenses too numerous to list. How do you expect to operate here with standards of integrity that low?
Dan Snyder: HA! No problemo amigo! All I need is a league that is suitably corrupt! And what organization is more corrupt than the National Football League?? FIFA, that’s who! So I’m golden!
Crimm: Manchester United doesn’t play in FIFA. They play in the Premier League. Here, in England.
Dan Snyder: What? That’s crazy! Then I’m just going to have to put together a bigger league! A super league! I GOT IT: a super-European League! Lemme think on that. Thanks everyone! Chip chip cheerio!
[Press conference ends.]
*ALLEGEDLY