GoT Writers’ Room – Season 8: The Winds of WTF
Peter Dinklage as Tyrion during Season 8’s most action-packed scene so far
We join David Benioff and D.B. Weiss, co-creators of HBO’s Game of Thrones, on Sept. 4, 2017, one week after the Season 7 Finale of the hit series.
[SPOILER ALERT: This article includes all the thought put into Season 8]
D.B. Weiss: Well, that was a hell of a party!
David Benioff: No kidding! But everyone earned it! The cast, the crew, us… it’s not every day you create the most popular show in cable history! And that Peter Dinklage isn’t playing a part on the show. He can really drink.
Weiss: Which one’s Peter Dinklage?
Benioff: Seriously?
Weiss: I only know the cast by their character names.
Benioff: Oh for crying out loud. He’s Tyrion Lannister.
Weiss: Oh, you mean the…
Benioff: Yes, the little person, you close-minded bigot.
Weiss: I was going to say the guy who’s won three Emmys.
Benioff: Oh… uh… sorry. By the way, Human Resources is coming by later. Apparently Kit Harrington…
Weiss: Who?
Benioff: Jon Snow…
Weiss: Oh yeah, the guy with one facial expression…
Benioff: Yeah. Jon Snow tried to keep up with Pet… Tyrion, and got sloppy. He kept telling the women to ride his dragon.
Weiss: Ooh, that’s not good.
Benioff: Then Emilia… I mean, Daenerys, kept yelling at him that they were her dragons and that he needed to take a laxative…
Weiss: Actually, that might explain the expression.
Benioff: And Arya…
Weiss: The kid?
Benioff: Yeah. She kept calling the blacksmith guy “Needle.” Now he’s pissed. Well, anyway, what’s next on your plate? You got any good projects in the hopper?
Weiss: You’re kidding, right? The next project is Season 8.
Benioff: WHAT??
Weiss: I signed us up for another season! Great, right?
Benioff: NO it’s not great! We’re out of books!
Weiss: What books?
Benioff: We’ve based this whole show on a series of books! Where did you think the stories came from?
Weiss: I just thought you were a genius!
Benioff: And now we’re out of books! George R. R. Martin isn’t finished writing the next one!
Weiss: George Ar-Ar?
Benioff: The author! You know, the grumpy old guy who’s always on set smoking the pipe!
Weiss: Oh yeah. I was wondering…
Benioff: Now we don’t have a story to base the show on!
Weiss: Well, I told everybody we were doing another season! What are we going to do??
Benioff: OK, ok, it’s ok… we’re just going to have to think of our own stories.
Weiss: Well, we could always just make it a three-episode season.
Benioff: No, no… even we can’t do that. How about six episodes.
Weiss: OK, good… OH, I GOT IT! We have a giant battle between the White Walkers and the people!
Benioff: Great! If we spend a shit-ton of money, we can stretch that battle out for… three, four episodes! Now all we need to write the first two episodes and we’re golden! OK, what happens in the first two episodes?
Weiss: Uh…
Benioff: OH MY GOD WE’RE SCREWED!
Weiss: Hang on, hang on… How about they all travel to the North for the big battle?
Benioff: Good, good… then what?
Weiss: Uh…
Benioff: [head in hands] oh my god…
Weiss: Daenerys and Jon Snow can ride the dragons! For like… 30 minutes! And everyone on the ground will give them scared-but-approving looks.
Benioff: OK, ok…
Weiss: By the way, Tyrion wants a nude scene… something about winning a bet with the Hound.
Benioff: What?? Well, whatever… you know we can’t do nude scenes anymore since the actresses renegotiated their contracts.
Weiss: That’s the way it works on cable, I guess. First season you rely on nudies and sex, and if it turns into a hit you gotta get a plot.
Benioff: Yeah, sucks… OK, so the first episode will be a bunch of people traveling to the North and then those two riding dragons the rest of the time. What about episode 2?
Weiss: Well… we can have the character who’s the biggest asshole…
Benioff: OH MY GOD
Weiss: What??
Benioff: NONE of the characters are assholes anymore! They all are nice to each other! We’ve become the last season of M*A*S*H!!
Weiss: OK then… uh… Ooh, we can kill another chunk of time in episode 2 with a fire!
Benioff: You mean the castle burns down and Daenerys survives another giant fire?
Weiss: No, a fireplace fire. Nice and comfy, with 10 characters chatting quietly…
Benioff: Really??
Weiss: And Tyrion can spend 30 minutes talking the other characters into drinking with him by reciting each and every battle that each and every character has ever survived.
Benioff: Well, desperate times…
Weiss: And we give the girl a sex scene.
Benioff: She’s 10!
Weiss: She is? No.. she’s gotta be 14 by now.
Benioff: That’s no better!
Weiss: By the way, the Night King wants some dialogue.
Benioff: But then we can’t pay him scale!
Weiss: OK, this is where you draw the line on costs?
Benioff: We are so screwed.
Weiss: Don’t worry. The day after every episode we can have Twitter put up headlines hyping the show, like: “OHHHHH SHIZZZZZ!!! THE KID AND THE HOUND MADE UP!!!”
Benioff: god…
Weiss: And, “A FIREPLACE SCENE HAS GoT FANS LOSING THEIR MINDS!!!”
Benioff: Did you promise another season or just suggest it?
Weiss: And then, for the series finale, we can have Daenerys and Jon Snow and Jaime and Cersei go to jail for laughing at the fat Meister for falling down in the street…
Benioff: (sigh) OK. Well I guess we better get started…
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