GNBNC anchor Chip Stone spoke to pop culturist Bubbles O’Smoothy about Craft Beers, AND YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
As you may know, not long ago I wrote a docu-satire about the media, politics and religion called Sacrificial Lambs, and one of the main characters was Chip Stone, a tanned, blow-dried (is that still a thing?), vacuous anchor at the GNBNC News Vortex. What you don’t know, probably, is that Chip Stone LIVES, and is still practicing his frivolous art on the airwaves (is that still a thing?). Here is his hard-hitting interview with pop culturist Bubbles O’Smoothy about the craft beer boom (and bust?). Drink it in - this interview will go down like a fine, peaty, sock-flavored IPA!
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Chip Stone: Well, it’s Friday, and thank goodness, am I right? What have you got planned? Some craft products, perhaps? Today we have in the studio leading pop culturist Bubbles O’Smoothy to explore the “world of craft,” if you will. Ms. O’Smoothy, welcome to Good Morning USA!
Bubbles O’Smoothy: Thank you Chip! Please, call me Bub.
CS: Bub? Not Bubbles?
BOS: Bub, Chip.
CS: Alright, Bub, what’s the story? On craft products?
BOS: Well, there are craft beers of course.
CS: Yes, I’m very familiar with those ha ha!
[laughter off camera among the crew]
BOS: Yes. Craft beers are brewed independently, not part of the big breweries. The craft brewers typically keep expenses low. They have food trucks pull up instead of building a kitchen to serve food. The floor is often concrete. This aesthetic appeals to craft beer aficionados, and is much easier to clean vomit off after a newbie drinks one-half too many 14.5% alcohol IPAs.
CS: I had no idea…
BOS: Of course you didn’t. Now, there are two types of craft brewers: crowded craft brewers, and successful ones.
CS: What? Don’t you need customers to be successful?
BOS: Oh, no! High demand for a craft beer means they’ve sold out, "gone Anheuser," as we say. You can tell true artisanal brewers by the number of empty tables in their establishment. Well, not really, actually – the best craft brewers have less than five tables in their main room, plus a back-stairs landing that serves as a patio.
CS: But how do they make a living, Bub?
BOS: Chip, Chip, Chip, Chip…
CS: Yes, Bub?
BOS: Chip, the goal of opening a craft brewery isn’t to make a living! The goal is to make the best craft beer possible, using organic and exotic farm-to-table ingredients, like orange peels, and peat moss, and lichens and molds, often combined with traditional treat flavors, like black licorice or hard candies or mince meat pie!
CS: That doesn’t sound good.
BOS: These artisans put in their blood, sweat and tears, often directly into the fermentation tanks, to produce the most unique possible brew, right up until the inevitable day the craft brewing bubble bursts.
CS: The craft brewing bubble? Hey, wait, I just realized your name is bubbles, like a market bubble!
BOS: IT’S BUB, CHIP.
CS: I guess I don’t understand how craft markets work.
BOS: No, but I’ll explain. So let’s imagine you are in the news business…
CS: But I am in…
BOS: OK, can you imagine that? Can you visualize it?
CS: Uh…
BOS: Good! Now, a craft news outlet would be one that produces a finely calibrated product with notes and accents that only the most elite consumer can discern. It might have 100 consumers, but the revenue per consumer will be astronomical. Think Axios Media.
CS: What is AXIOS Media?
BOS: Precisely.
CS: Uh…
BOS: Then there are the news outlets that may have started out as craft producers, but are now about as craft as Samuel Adams. They’ve got somewhat large audiences who think they’re somehow special just because of their choice in news outlets, just like Sam Adams drinkers. I’m talking about MSNBC, of course.
CS: Oh, I know them! Is Keith Overland still on there?
BOS: On the flip side are consumers who are not trying to make a statement with which news outlet they choose. No, they are making a statement through the news outlet they DON’T choose. They don’t drink craft beers, they drink Budweiser. And they don’t watch all those fancy news outlets favored by the professors and pencil-necked professionals; they watch Fox News. Not because they like Fox News, but because they hate professors and pencil-necked professionals.
CS: Why don’t they like Fox News?
BOS: Have you *watched* Fox News? Anyway, then there are the store-brand news outlets, targeting the vast majority of news consumers. They are devoid of distinct taste or subtlety or character. They are sort of the Bud Light of news outlets.
CS: Who would that be, Bub?
BOS: Uh…
CS: Yes?
BOS: Well…
CS: Go on…
BOS: Uh, and THEN there are the store-brand news outlets that are brewed for mass consumption but can’t get the basic principles of distribution right, so they basically don’t reach anybody except the old-timers who grew up consuming them. Like ABC News or CBS News.
CS: Buuuuuuuurrrrrrnnnnnnnnnn!!!!!!!!
[laughter off camera]
CS: Well, what’s next in the world of craft products?
BOS: Well, first we had breweries. Then micro-breweries, which are craft brewers. What’s coming next? Nano-breweries! They make one beer at a time, in a dirty bucket in the garage, and you have to order it 3 months in advance.
CS: That sounds really, uh…
BOS: Or nano-roasteries, for coffee! If you think it takes Starbucks a long time to make one damn coffee now, wait until you try a nano-roastery! Fortunately, these will be complemented by nano-bakeries, where the ovens are the size of toasters and when you order a carrot muffin they pull out the shredder.
CS: Well, that’s all the time we have for now. Thank you, Bub, for joining us today to give us a very broad, very superficial look into the absolutely fascinating world of craft products.
BOS: My pleasure, Chip.
CS: And to our viewers: after the break, we’ll visit an elderly couple in Michigan who’ve taught their 17-year-old Golden Retriever a very special trick! It will warm your heart! Stay with us.