My dog will definitely throw this up

Our dog has liver problems. This is an occurrence that odds makers in Vegas would have unanimously considered more likely in a different member of our household, but no matter.

The result of this medical issue, apart from astronomical vet bills, is that Bailey can only eat hepatic dog fud (as Gary Larsen called it) that helps mitigate her liver problems. The dog fud is only available via mail order from Italy. You can imagine the cost of said dog fud.

Anyway, last week we began to run low on dog fud and I went online to order more. This is what I ordered:

Dog fud

And this is what Farmina sent to our house:

Not dog fud

That, friends, is a spiral notebook binder thingee. You put a stack of paper in there, and it will spin a spiral binder onto the stack so you can then hand out those binders in some corporate conference room during a meeting being held in 1997 before PowerPoint or the pandemic. 

It’s got to be pandemic-related, right? How else can you explain this? 

I imagine the Farmina staff in some picturesque little Italian town on the Amalfi Coast panicking over our order.

“HEY, DINO! Dee Hansens, dey needa more of-ah da Hepatic dog-ah fud!” 

(Never mind that Farmina is probably run by a bunch of rich Italian Stanford and Harvard MBAs who speak perfect English, Italian, French and Mandarin…)

“OH-AH NO-AH SERGIO! DERE IS NO MORA HEPATIC DOG FUD BECAUSE-AH DA PANDEMIC HAS-AH DISRUPTED-AH DA SUPPLY NETWORK-AH!!”

“DINO, what-a are we gonna do? Ah?”

“I gotta idea-ah! Let’s-ah send-ah dem dat spiral note-ah-book-ah binder thingee-ah!”

“Hey-ah Dino! Dat’s ah great idea-ah! No-ah wonder you were-ah #1 in-ah your Stanford MBA class-ah!”

So now we have a spiral notebook binder thingee on our kitchen counter, and we’re running low on extraordinarily expensive dog fud. We’ve emailed Farmina, and they’ve promised to send us more dog fud post-haste, but as of yet, no word from them on what to do with the late-20th-Century office machinery. 

I’ll keep you posted on developments, probably using a nice, spiral-bound presentation.