How to Fix the Gutter Downspout Thingy
Today as part of my non-existent home repair how-to series, I’m going to explain how to fix the little curvy part of the downspout that helps moves water from the gutter to the ground.
Stacy mentioned that, on the gutter on the corner of the garage, this little curvy part had separated from the gutter and was hanging off the house. She mentioned this in November. So on Saturday morning (late morning), I decided it was time to fix this. I’ll explain the steps to this repair in case you one day have to make the same repair.
1. Stand out in the yard looking stupidly up at the broken gutter – I find this to the first step in nearly every home repair project. Now, Saturday was a beautiful March day. Obviously, the effect is enhanced if one is standing out in a driving rain or a cold wintery mix but, as Donald Rumsfeld said, you go to home repair with the weather you have, and I had a warm spring morning, so there you go.
There is no value to this step in the process, obviously. Whatever repair you’ll have to make is 13 feet above my head. You can’t tell the first thing about the task ahead of you from this ground-based vantage point. But you must trust the process. So stand in the yard you’re your hands on your hips, assessing the dislocated downspout until it becomes clear the thing isn’t going to fix itself. That leads to the next step, which is…
2. Get out the medium-sized ladder – There are three height-enhancement devices: a three-step ladder for changing indoor light bulbs, a five-step ladder with a little platform to spill cans of paint from, and the insanely tall, two-part extension ladder. There’s a better chance of Tom Brady sleeping alone tonight than there is of me not falling to my death off that ladder or not breaking my arm mishandling the guillotine-like rope-and-pulley extension system. Given the inevitable physical injuries associated with that ladder, like the potential energy in a piano hanging from a frayed rope over a city street, it’s probably best to go with the second bowl of porridge. Which will be too short.
Then get out the extension ladder. Ours sits stored on the concrete floor, stretching from the garage door to the back wall, and blocked by every lawn care tool and outdoor recreation item we own. This leads to the third step…
3. Pull every lawn care tool and outdoor recreation item you own out into your yard – Done correctly, it will look like one of those homes out in King William County where they drag the entire contents of their house outside every Saturday for weekend yard sales, like a preemptive estate auction. Bonus points if you can get your car on blocks. Then…
4. Extend the ladder to reach the gutter, check the angle of the ladder (rule of thumb: the base of the ladder should be one foot out from the house for every 4 feet of elevation, and that ladder should belong to a bonded contracting professional), then put odd scraps of wood under one of the legs to stabilize the ladder so you can safely climb to a height that will ensure your death in a few minutes.
5. Step 5 is ironically named, because once you extend the ladder to reach the gutter, it will take 9 steps to reach the repair site. After climbing to the ninth step, with your head just above gutter level, don’t forget to…
6. Turn and wave to your neighbors who are videoing the event for later posting on the FailArmy Instagram site.
7. Repeat Step 1, just at closer range.
8. Take a mental picture of the broken downspout. This will be way more useful to you than an actual picture or measurements of the broken downspout when you are standing in Aisle 21 of Home Depot in 35 minutes, staring stupidly at the downspout stuff.
9. Okay, I got ahead of myself. Step 9 is to drive to Home Depot with nothing more than a fading image of what needs fixing in your head. Leave the ladder leaning against the house and all your shit in the yard so that the neighbors know you will be in a REALLY bad mood later. Be sure to forget your headphones so you have to cope with your actual thoughts while walking through Home Depot.
10. Stand in Aisle 21 staring stupidly at the downspout stuff. Guess (incorrectly) whether your downspout size is 2x3 or 3x5. Guess (incorrectly) whether a plastic bendable downspout elbow thingy will work for this repair. Guess (incorrectly) whether you need a 15-inch downspout extension thingy. Buy three of each of these incorrect items. KEEP THE RECEIPT.
11. Stand on rung #9 of the ladder stupidly holding several incorrect downspout thingies up next to the broken downspout. Realize you’re an idiot. Throw the repair items down to the driveway, where the aluminum extension thingy will ring out your shame to the neighbors.
12. From your vantage point 13 feet above your realm, survey the entire contents of your garage strewn across your yard. Wonder stupidly if maybe you’re a hoarder.
13. This is the best part: slowly begin to internalize the reality that you have to drive back to Home Depot, and what the rest of your day will look like. The math cannot be escaped: that’s another hour gone. Look at your watch and note the time: 2:38 p.m. Realize that your day is completely shot and there’s still four and a half hours left in it. I always imagine this is what it’s like when someone realizes they’re stuck in a dead-end job, that nothing interesting will ever happen again during their career, but they still have 14 years to retirement and now they just gotta go through the motions until they get that sparsely attended farewell lunch and ride off into the 4 remaining years of their life.
14. Seething with anger, carefully descend the ladder to the asphalt driveway. You wouldn’t want to fall now and miss the remaining 18 years of meaningless existence described in Step 13.
15. Upon reaching the ground, look up and realize you again failed to take a picture or get measurements of the gutter to enable you to buy the right sized replacement parts during your next (possibly, but not probably, final) trip to Home Depot. Audibly mutter “fuck it” and get in your car. Be careful not to back up over the six-year-old girl in the street on her bicycle telling her mom “fuck it, I’m not riding up that hill.”
16. Sit in stupid Saturday mall traffic, trying desperately to philosophize your way to calmness.
17. Lean on the horn the split-second the light turns green.
18. Wave hello again to the lone Home Depot employee who is wandering the aisles ignoring the PA system announcing there’s a customer in need of assistance in lighting.
19. Back in Aisle 21, gather into your arms every downspout replacement part that you didn’t buy last time you were here. Since you neglected (again) to take measurements or a picture, this is your only choice. As you repeatedly drop and pick up various pieces on your way to the registers, wonder why you never grab a cart. KEEP THE RECEIPT.
20. Arrive back home after ignoring the daggers stare from the young mom you pass on the way through your neighborhood. Note the position of the sun in the sky. Wonder absently whether you wish it were higher or lower.
21. Without even taking any of the downspout replacement parts out of the Home Depot bag, climb back up the ladder. Hold each part in turn up to the broken downspout. Realize that one of these parts is almost certainly the right one, but realize that you have no idea how to correctly install whichever one it is.
22. Spend a few minutes too long debating whether the Architectural Review Committee or your wife would notice a downspout installed using duct tape. Realize you don’t have duct tape, or at least don’t know where it might be. Duct tape would require another trip to Home Depot. Rule out the duct tape solution.
23. Climb back down the ladder, pick your way through the remaining crap in your garage to where you store the power tools (after spending some time remembering where you store the power tools). Grab the drill and then root through the Maxwell House coffee can that just seemed to show up in your garage one day containing 3,643 different screws, bolts, nails, nuts, picture hanger hook thingies, etc. Grab 13 screws of varying sizes and shapes that look like they’d penetrate the thin aluminum of the downspout replacement parts.
24. Lightning round! Carry the drill up and down the extension ladder 9 times as you realize: you didn’t give yourself enough length on the extension cord for the drill; you didn’t grab the Phillips head drill bit you need for the screws; you didn’t grab the flat-head bit that you need for the other screws; you didn’t grab the downspout replacement piece that is most likely to fix the situation; you drop the downspout replacement piece; you didn’t put the ladder in right place to drill the replacement piece into place; you need to move the ladder again because apparently you’re the opposite of a home repair savant and can’t drill with your non-dominant hand; you drop the last two screws you need to finish this damn job; you drop the Phillips head bit as you change it.
25. Annnnnnnnnnd, you’re done!
26. Hahahahahahahahah you’re not done! Collect all the unused downspout replacement parts (that is: the 11 replacement parts you bought, minus the one you eventually used, minus the three you bent irreparably while trying to force them to fit, minus the one you threw so hard at the driveway it is now sitting in the recycling bin). Toss these 6 pieces into one of your many Home Depot bags, grab BOTH receipts and drive back to Home Depot, where they will efficiently and cheerfully take these returns and refund some of the money you spent with them today. Notice that Home Depot has more employees working the Returns desk than they have in all 41 aisles combined. Yeah, that tracks.
27. Drive home squinting into the setting sun. As the first smart thing you’ve done all day, pull into 7-11 and buy a 12-pack.
28. Pull up to your house and shoo away the disheveled couple in the beat up 1996 Crown Vic with the spotlight still attached to the windshield frame. No, we are not having a yard sale tomorrow morning and no you cannot get a quick preview and give me that drill.
29. Look around at the several tool sets open and splayed across the driveway, the drill and completely uncoiled extension cord, the extension ladder, and half the contents of your garage strewn across the yard (minus whatever those modern hobos took). Resign yourself to not being done until 9:20 p.m. Crack open the 12-pack.
30. FINALLY, you are done, with all that crap randomly shoved back inside your garage (making the next repair even more difficult) and the garage door down after having to literally throw stuff at the back wall to make room for the door to close.
31. Sit down on the couch next to your spouse with your sixth beer at 9:37 p.m. Remain calm as he/she asks if you fixed both of the broken downspouts.