Top Ten Ways We Could Mess with and Generally Irritate the Terrorists

Congratulations to the dedicated folks from the military, intelligence services, Obama & Bush administrations and anyone else who had a hand in last weekend’s surprise party for Usama bin Laden and the snatching of all that intelligence info.

Of course, there are still bad guys out there, so I was thinking that perhaps there are some things we could do to capitalize on these recent events to get a little further into the heads of the terrorists. Therefore, I am proud to present:

Top Ten Ways We Could Mess with and Generally Irritate the Terrorists:

10. Regularly send postcards to the other terrorists with pictures of Hell on the front and a note on the back: “Wish you were here. Sincerely, Usama.  P.S. – No virgins. Bummer.”
9. Use high-altitude jets to skywrite messages over the Afghanistan-Pakistan border regions like, “Watch out behind you!”
8. Get that impersonator guy from Vegas to make crank calls to al-Qaeda leaders: “Hey, this is Usama. Whatcha doin’?”
7. The Navy Seals adopt a new slogan: “When it absolutely, positively has to happen overnight.”
6. Float a bunch of Usama-shaped, sheet-covered packages out in the Indian Ocean and Persian Gulf. When they wash ashore and someone opens the packages, include a note that says, “Sorry, you didn’t win! Try again!”
5. Start a courier service in Pakistan and Afghanistan. Apparently that’s a good way to find these guys.
4. Figure out a way to buy the “compound.” Turn it into a bed-and-breakfast. (I don’t know why. I just like the idea.) Advertise guaranteed wake-up calls.
3. Feed regular stories to the National Enquirer about Usama sightings, like at Graceland, or on a beach in Sri Lanka, or in a disco on Ibiza.
2. The Navy Seals adopt a new slogan: “We do more before 1:30 a.m. than most terrorists in hiding do all day.”
1. Send the post-raid photos of ULB to the next leader of al-Qaeda in a package like you get for school pictures, with options for an 8×10”, 2 4×5” photos, 20 wallet size, etc. Include an order form. Use the return address he puts on the order form to find him too..